SONNY ELLIOTT with Jason Schwartz – Sonny is a wonderful man on Maui. Jason shares an hour speaking of Sonny’s life activities over the years and the path of growth for self… and through his actions, everyone. 2020
Summary & Transcript
Highlights
-
[02:00] ? Sonny’s early work with EST in San Francisco laid the foundation for his lifelong focus on communication and leadership development.
-
[03:44] ❄️ The Mankind Project training Sonny attended was intense and transformative, helping him move from seeking happiness externally to finding it within.
-
[12:00] ? Sonny’s entrepreneurial success included raising $11 million to take an orthodontic company public and revolutionizing their patient communication process.
-
[29:00] ? Sonny helped establish the Mankind Project presence in Hawaii, fostering men’s integration groups that support authentic connection and healing.
-
[31:30] ? Boys to Men program, led by Sonny’s son Duane, mentors at-risk boys across Hawaii through compassionate listening and empowerment rather than advice-giving.
-
[39:00] ? Sonny’s experience working in an ice cream shop in Maui became a “laboratory” for human connection, highlighting the power of simply being seen and heard.
-
[51:30] ? Sonny shares the importance of managing emotional reactivity and ego daily, choosing to respond with compassion instead of anger even in challenging moments.
Key Insights
-
[03:00] ? Transformation through Challenge: Sonny’s Mankind Project experience was physically and emotionally demanding, yet it catalyzed a fundamental shift from seeking external happiness to cultivating inner responsibility and self-awareness. This underscores how deep personal growth often requires stepping outside comfort zones and facing discomfort head-on.
-
[05:00] ? Personal Responsibility as Empowerment: Sonny illustrates how blaming others for one’s emotional state disempowers, using the example of road rage. Taking responsibility for one’s reactions restores personal power and fosters healthier relationships and self-care. This principle applies broadly in conflict resolution and emotional intelligence.
-
[13:00] ? Communication as a Business and Human Skill: Sonny’s work improving orthodontic offices by introducing treatment coordinators (often women) to handle financial discussions transformed patient engagement and increased revenues significantly. This highlights the critical role of effective communication and understanding human dynamics in business success, especially when professionals lack business training.
-
[31:00] ?￢ﾀﾍ?￢ﾀﾍ? Mentorship and Non-Directive Guidance: The Boys to Men program operates on the principle of listening and guiding boys to discover their own solutions rather than prescribing answers. This empowers youth to develop autonomy and confidence, fostering resilience despite challenging life circumstances like single-parent homes or economic hardship.
-
[36:00] ? Cultural and Environmental Influence on Well-being: Sonny notes how life in Hawaii, with its slower pace, natural beauty, and community-oriented culture, contrasts with mainland hustle culture. This environment supports deeper connection and presence, which are essential for emotional health and authentic relationships.
-
[50:30] ❤️ Compassion is a Continuous Practice: Sonny’s recent studies on compassion revealed layers of understanding beyond what he expected. He emphasizes that compassion is not static but requires ongoing learning, humility, and conscious choice—especially when faced with provocation or disagreement.
-
[52:30] ? Managing Ego and Emotional Reactivity: Sonny’s daily practice involves recognizing when his ego or emotions are triggered (“getting hooked”) and consciously choosing to “unhook” as quickly as possible. This mastery over emotional responses is crucial for maintaining connection and presence, reducing suffering caused by resistance to reality.
Extended Summary and Analysis
Sonny Elliott’s story is one of resilience, continual self-improvement, and deep commitment to service. Initially struggling with depression and disillusionment, he found a turning point in the early 1990s when he engaged with the Mankind Project, a men’s personal growth initiative that uses rigorous experiential training to foster emotional maturity, authenticity, and accountability. Sonny describes this training as physically harsh and emotionally demanding, involving outdoor winter activities and intense personal challenges. The experience was pivotal, shifting his perspective from externally chasing happiness to internally cultivating responsibility and self-care.
His early career was marked by a strong emphasis on communication, starting with EST in San Francisco, where he honed public speaking and facilitation skills. This foundation enabled him to become a specialist in human communication, focusing on authenticity, listening, and clear feedback. Sonny’s ability to communicate effectively became a cornerstone of his work, both in personal development and business.
One of the most compelling aspects of Sonny’s career was his involvement in transforming the orthodontic industry’s patient engagement and financial processes. By introducing the concept of a “treatment coordinator,” usually a woman trained to discuss treatment plans and payment options, Sonny helped increase patient closures from 50% to 75%, significantly boosting revenue and improving office cohesion. This change also shifted the dynamic away from doctors asking for money themselves, which was less effective. Here, Sonny’s insight into human dynamics and communication drove innovation in a traditionally technical field, demonstrating how interpersonal skills intersect with business outcomes.
Beyond business, Sonny’s heart-centered work with men’s groups and youth mentoring exemplifies his commitment to fostering authentic connection and healing. He played a key role in establishing the Mankind Project in Hawaii, creating integration groups where men regularly gather to work through challenges related to marriage, money, sex, and parenting. These groups provide a rare space for men to be vulnerable yet supported, breaking the stereotype that men do not engage in deep emotional conversations.
The Boys to Men program, led by Sonny’s son Duane, is a natural extension of this work, focusing on mentoring boys in schools across Hawaii. The program deliberately avoids giving direct advice, instead offering non-judgmental listening and asking questions that help boys discover their own paths. This approach respects the boys’ autonomy and encourages self-reflection, which is especially powerful for those facing socioeconomic challenges or family instability.
Sonny also shares personal anecdotes illustrating the importance of connection and presence. His time working in an ice cream shop in Maui became an unexpected laboratory for human interaction, where simply calling children by name and engaging them authentically brought joy and empowerment. This reflects his deep belief in the power of being seen and heard—fundamental human needs that transcend culture and circumstance.
Throughout the conversation, Sonny underscores the daily nature of personal growth. Managing ego and emotional reactivity isn’t a one-time achievement but a continual practice. He recounts moments when provoked or angered, choosing instead to respond with compassion and calm, recognizing that suffering arises from resisting what is. This mindful approach helps maintain his presence and connection with others, even in difficult interactions.
The discussion also touches on the broader societal context, notably the divisions and disconnects in contemporary America. Sonny suggests that the path forward lies not in political polarization but in rebuilding connection through authentic communication, trust, and heart work. His hope is that shared challenges like the COVID-19 pandemic might serve as catalysts for greater global unity and compassion.
Despite his age and evolving circumstances—including being “unemployed” due to COVID-related closures—Sonny remains actively engaged in volunteer work, mentoring, and learning. He views retirement not as an end but as a transition to new forms of service and growth. His humility and openness to learning, even after decades of experience, illustrate his commitment to lifelong development.
In conclusion, Sonny Elliott’s story is an inspiring testament to the power of personal responsibility, authentic communication, and service. His journey from hardship to leadership provides valuable lessons on how self-awareness and connection can transform not only individual lives but entire communities. The video offers rich insights for anyone interested in personal growth, effective communication, and creating positive social impact.
Key Insights (Expanded Analysis)
-
[03:44] ? The Role of Intensive, Experiential Learning: Sonny’s experience with Mankind Project’s rigorous training highlights how transformative learning often requires more than intellectual understanding—it demands emotional and physical engagement that challenges existing patterns and beliefs. This approach is effective in catalyzing profound change because it activates multiple dimensions of the self.
-
[05:27] ?ﾸﾏ Setting Boundaries as Self-Care: Sonny’s realization that he cannot change others but can change himself—and choose to leave toxic environments—demonstrates the importance of boundaries in maintaining energy and well-being. This principle is crucial in leadership and personal relationships to prevent burnout and promote authentic engagement.
-
[13:12] ? Innovation Through Empathy and Communication: Sonny’s orthodontic consulting shows that listening to unseen dynamics and introducing empathy-based roles (treatment coordinators) can dramatically improve business performance. This case exemplifies how understanding human psychology and communication can lead to practical, profitable innovations.
-
[31:43] ? Empowerment Through Non-Judgmental Listening: Boys to Men’s methodology of not giving advice but facilitating self-discovery empowers youth to build confidence and resilience. This aligns with modern coaching and mentoring best practices, emphasizing autonomy and intrinsic motivation over prescriptive solutions.
-
[36:26] ? Environment Shapes Emotional Health: Sonny’s reflections on living in Hawaii emphasize how environment and culture influence well-being. The slower pace, natural beauty, and community orientation foster presence, connection, and emotional balance—elements often missing in fast-paced mainland life.
-
[50:37] ? Lifelong Learning in Compassion: Sonny’s embrace of ongoing education about compassion, even after decades of personal growth work, highlights humility and the evolving nature of emotional intelligence. Compassion is not innate but cultivated through conscious effort and practice.
-
[52:48] ? Emotional Mastery as a Daily Practice: The concept of “getting hooked” and “unhooking” from emotional triggers illustrates that emotional mastery is about awareness and choice in real-time. This practice reduces unnecessary suffering and maintains relational integrity, showing the practical application of mindfulness in everyday life.
This comprehensive conversation offers valuable lessons on how personal transformation, grounded in responsibility, communication, and service, can ripple outward to positively impact families, communities, and society at large.
00:00
[Music] aloha everyone welcome to another maui neutral zone where the neutral zone it’s anything but neutral i have a terrific guest today to my what let’s see this way through that way i have Sonny elliott who some of you know as some of you don’t know Sonny is part of a group that i started in 2017. i went to a thing that was the mankind project the new warrior adventure and through that i met some really terrific people and one of them was Sonny elliott and i wanted to share him with you
00:57
it happens to be that i think it was last year might actually almost be two years ago then i interviewed Duane elliott and no surprise Duane elliott is your son sonny welcome to our show thank you jason glad to be here thanks for watching i hope you out there realize it’s only the light that’s making it look like i’m bald exactly and of course i’m losing a little hair i keep thinking i’ve got the perfect face for radio getting closer sonny um when i first met you i i thought you were extremely
01:39
honest you know very crisp and strong and dynamic and you know there are a lot of people there but you stood out to me as someone who somehow had communication skills really terrific can you help me understand a little bit of your background and why i was so aware you’ve been involved in this mankind project a long time haven’t you been yes um um i started my work around communication and and teaching others um with a program called out of san francisco in the uh early 80s and asked with warner earhart so that’s
02:23
where my my training began as a as a speaker i became a guest seminar leader seminar leader a workshop leader and so i was there for seven years in front of people every week and uh and i had to be able to answer questions and give good feedback and so that required a lot of work on my part to become i don’t consider myself an expert i consider myself a specialist in communication and i was struggling and in 1990 i had shifted jobs i was probably in mild depression i was kind of lost i had left asked
03:05
and a good friend of mine said hey you ought to do this training i just got through doing it and i said what training and he said the mankind project and at that time jason i was reading every self-help book i could get my hands on i was i was looking uh at the time i thought i was looking for happiness so that’s how off i was i was running around trying to find happiness out there rather than realizing happiness had to start within myself and so i went up to wisconsin and did this mankind training and it was
03:44
harsh it was outdoors it was winter time some of the processes were outside and uh so that was in 1991 and i was so taken with it that i took my son Duane whom you just mentioned back up with me in 91 and he did the mankind project so then we both moved to houston and the mankind project that’s where i was at the time and mankind project started and i didn’t have a whole lot to do with starting it in houston i was an active participant i staffed weekends and so forth as i got into that program so i’ve been
04:20
in that now almost 30 years i guess and over the years i’ve started groups i’ve traveled a lot i’ve just done a whole lot of things and it’s always around communication authenticity responsibility self-care and as i look around the world i don’t see a whole lot of my opinion uh a whole lot of the planet taking responsibility for themselves and their actions and their outcomes it’s almost like it’s always somebody else’s fault i can remember when i used to if a guy in traffic flipped me off i
04:56
would blame him for me having a bad day that’s how dumb i was instead of realizing i’d never see that guy again and i just given up my power to a guy racing down the highway but when i finally started seeing that i knew something was wrong and so i started realizing that i had to work with myself that i couldn’t work on jason i couldn’t change jason i might motivate you i might inspire you but i have no way to change you in any way but i could change myself and so that was the greatest gift i started
05:27
seeing is that while i couldn’t change anybody else i could change myself and if i was in an environment and had changed myself and the environment was still hostile for for me then i realized i could simply remove myself from that environment instead of trying to fix anybody because none of us have the power to fix another person and when i saw that so part of my self-care is i’m i’m not around people that take my energy i’m not around people that want me to work harder than them if
06:00
we’re talking about a resolution to a conflict so when i find i’m working harder than the person that i’m coaching or working with that’s when i know to stop and it took a lot of years to learn that one well you know when i think about the the mankind project i never when i took it i found it to be affirming and confirming what i knew about that and it felt like a very natural thing but i guess you’re really actually super right that the world’s level of personal responsibility
06:38
for themselves and you know dealing with things in a in a different way uh hasn’t caught on like we hope it would but uh it’s i think it’s so i always say that i like to lead by example that if i’m not able to be doing it why would i give someone else instruction on something they can see who and what i am and if i’m a good example they’ll see that and and want to look and see what they might do to like you say kind of look at themselves and make things better so mankind project that’s a long time
07:17
30 years but i’m sure that that wasn’t the only thing and you were an asked i met a couple of people who said you know i we did a honolulu thing with aston Sonny was there so you know i’m happy to say that there are people that know you a long long time that have loved and respected you for a long long time what kind of work did you do with was that your work or no no no you were no no that was uh all volunteer work just like mankind i’ve staffed about uh 80 or 90 trainings i always pay a staff
07:53
i’ve almost always paid a staff fee always paid my heir i’ve never been reimbursed for any of that and with the warner i would get uh with asked i would get expenses re so they sent me warner sent me to why golly uh i don’t remember when about 70 78 79 to help gear up a new program he was starting called the forum so i spent time in honolulu on behalf of the organization and i was all over the country on behalf the organization as a volunteer i ended up being a good speaker i was chairperson of 400 other speakers around
08:31
the country uh all of us volunteers and we’ve done going through an argus program to stand in front of people and talk for instance my class or 400 of us all around the country for nine months we all went to san francisco and went on an 18-hour process where one person at a time would go up and on the stage and you had three minutes to to make your pitch out of those 400 people only 40 of us were chosen to lead seminars that’s how tough that environment was and uh so that’s where i learned to
09:08
speak that’s where i started learning how to listen that’s where i started seeing all my things that i thought was your fault or his fault or her fault started realizing wait a minute wait a minute so that was my first serious wake-up call that it wasn’t about you it was about me it’s about me being the kind of man that men like you would want to follow or listen to or be around so that meant i had to give up a lot of ego we can’t give up our egos but we sure can embrace it in a good way
09:42
egos are important and i’ve seen my ego out of control i’ve lost relationships out of my ego being crazy i’ve done things that uh looking back were stupid because my ego you know my ego got bigger and bigger and bigger as i was traveling around the country on stage in front of thousands of people pretty soon i started believing my own hype and then one day i came crashing down and uh started to rebuild myself and put in the corrections which uh my biggest challenge was managing my ego
10:13
because i thought i i knew and of course the older i get the more i realize i don’t know much or i know less than i think i did so that’s kind of the you know a rapid background of where i started but it’s all about myself it wasn’t about helping others it was about fixing myself and somewhere along the way it shifted to serving others and it wasn’t by design i think it was literally out of the self work that i did for myself that i started realizing the real joys and helping others instead
10:45
of beating my chest about me it’s what can i do for jason today or my son like two years ago three years ago my daughter-in-law here had a major stroke my son asked me to come here and help take care of her so i’ve been here three years is helping my son take care of his my daughter-in-law his wife and then two months ago Duane had a quadruple bypass and so for five weeks it was pretty much me taking care of both of them and if i hadn’t done all this background that i’ve been sharing with you
11:16
i wouldn’t have had what it takes to stand in that fire week after week 24 7 with two people very ill medications cleaning showers and uh so that’s one of the benefits of me many years ago seeing that uh i had to handle my ego wow that you know that says so much i hope that everyone listening gets the benefit of just those words you’ve spoken um how did when i think you were in houston what kind of work did you do i mean you were doing public speaking for ask and then you were what or that was a
11:59
volunteer even then you had to be doing something right how do you have that freedom listen to something else yeah well i’ve done more jobs than anybody i know i think i started out uh i worked my way through college married with two children got a degree i went into life insurance for a number of years and uh i moved down to houston somebody asked me to join him in houston and houston was really hot in the late 70s and so i moved there over time i became president of an oil company not that i knew anything about oil but i
12:37
knew about people and and selling um i became uh president of a securities company myself and two fellow consultants we were all consultants in the orthodontic world for a number of years and so we saw things that other people didn’t see so we took two years and raised 11 million dollars and took a company public on the new york stock exchange so we could go out and buy offices and put our technology in and every office we bought we were able to improve the bottom line by 30 within like you know 90 days
13:12
so i did that did that for a while i could i could i did i think i had a staff of about 10 people then and on weekends i had up to 20 doctors that i had trained to speak on stage and they would deliver presentations so i had a national seminar company for about nine years i had over a thousand offices come through our our program and uh back when i was doing that the doctors if you came in and you needed orthodontia work out of ten people five would sign up ten people actually needed it would sign up and i came along and i didn’t
13:49
know anything about orthodontics but i knew about people and so when i saw that a doctor and i had geared up to deliver seminars to orthodontist he was an orthodontist i was a speaker and so i knew nothing about orthodontics i brought new eyes to it if you will and when i realized that the doctor was asking for the money i knew that was wrong that that’s why it was 50 he might give a discount to a friend he might trade a car for orthodontia so when i came along my first seminar i had 20 doctors in their in their staffs in
14:24
san francisco and i asked how many people would be willing to try something for 90 days half wood and half wooden i said give me a woman out of your office that’s technically trained and let’s spend a half a day with her at this very weekend that we’re all on our very first weekend and in 90 days when we come back let’s see what these 10 officers have done compared to you 10 guys that don’t want to make a change well 90 days later they came back and the people that had allowed the woman to ask for the
14:57
money to go in follow the doctor and make the payments plans and all that there they went from 50 closure to 75 closure in 90 days which meant a lot more money on the table and the deal i made with the doctors is all the new money that they’ve never seen before that did share it with their staff like 10 15 in those days i had staff members uh in the orthodontic offices making a thousand dollars a month bonus because they were doing so well and what i found i put it install a communication process
15:32
in that in those offices led by a woman not the doctor and now this communication process the staff got along so much better and out of cohesiveness referrals go up we’ve all walked into a place maybe a very nice place and it just didn’t feel right and we’ve left have you ever done that jason where you you didn’t know what was wrong it was an energetic thing so that’s called reading the room and reading people and reading space and i became quite proficient at that and so i could
16:05
eventually walk into an office and see that the woman answering the phone was the wrong woman the woman asking for money at the back was the wrong woman and so i developed a whole training program around that and i worked with over a thousand offices which is ten percent of the population of orthos in this country and we actually uh shifted it today you will not find any doctors asking for the money they have a whole treatment coordinator program which is the name we came up with and so if you ever go into an
16:33
orthodontic office there’ll be a lady there call a treatment coordinator and that was one of the results of our work with the orthodontist over those nine years so so we did things like that when you say a woman you said you found that women have an easier way of of uh delivering that message than men in that environment my answer is yes and and also we’ve got to remember that most doctors are not business men they’re doctors they weren’t trained in business they’re trained to work
17:08
with the mouth well these women were trained to be clinicians so they knew a lot about orthodontia a lot about it and all i know is uh women and there are some men treatment coordinators in offices that pro that do quite well but by and large it’s just something about a woman’s presence a femininity of graciousness if you will and elegance if you will and here’s what the doctor showed you here’s what it’s going to cost and how would you like to pay for it and they could just do it
17:43
so much easier so much simpler and and i don’t know the science behind it i just know the results behind that change that’s really terrific you know that when i said that i thought well you know mankind i bet there’s a woman’s component somewhere to let women have that same experience i don’t want same experience but a growth experience and that reminded me i did an interview a bunch of years ago with a guy and harry newman i did another one recently with him and his partner was phyllis redman she
18:22
came to see indigo and he goes your daughter-in-law uh about when women within was being started yes so it’s nice to know that there’s a mankind project which i’m sure people are going to go looking at after speaking and seeing someone as interesting and dynamic as you you’re a product of many years of being conscious and taking care of themselves and also i found in mankind project it is the giving and the serving that is such a wonderful part of that experience uh that’s a lesson i hope the world
19:00
really learns that service is really a terrific thing the juice of life you know um so i’m sure that now you’re you’re uh i want to say retirement after that what what were you doing i mean with all these years so you were doing that sounds like a really interesting thing but it was all again tied in with your brain that talked about communication the effectiveness of communication listening receiving taking personal responsibility for a situation rather than kind of skirting around
19:42
things and i want to say sort of like a snake you avoid the uh avoid the issue yep slippery so were you in houston all these years or many of these years yes i i moved to houston in 1975 and in 1997 i moved to reno for 10 years i wanted to i was a skier and i wanted to ski and i wanted to hike and i was a consultant so i was either on the phone or traveling so i could do that from anywhere so i lived in reno for 10 years and in the winter time i was about 20 minutes from a lift and i would go up from 10 to 1 come home
20:25
get back on the phones or do my work and in the summers i did hikes and so that lasted for 10 years until i moved back to houston for another business opportunity but those 10 years were some of the sweetest of my life i was consulting i was traveling i was speaking in front of large groups of people and also skiing and hiking and and yeah it was a great life in those 10 years you’re consulting was it again about communication i’m you know i mean i i i think of you that’s what i always
21:00
get about you you always your communications are always clear and precise and you you um i don’t know something good about you i’m really beautiful about you well well thank you for that and and it’s actually accumulation of the lifetime of work uh when i was 30 years old i was driving down the highway and i found myself sobbing like a girl let me say that differently like a little boy and i didn’t mean to disparage women and so i pulled my car over and sat there and it took me years to
21:38
realize what had happened and what had happened was a song that came on it come on the radio is just all there is and i looked at my life i was separated from my second wife my kids were in in missouri i was in texas i was unhappy with my work and uh so that’s when i started buying every book i could get and and i knew something wasn’t working for me but i didn’t know what and uh and it i just stumbled around and stumbled around and stumbled around i’d get a little piece here a little piece
22:13
here and i’d every person i would listen to i’d take a piece if i could and i didn’t try to take anybody’s ideology over and be that i tried to take pieces from different people that so i could make my own self as i am now and uh so i took a lot of observation took a lot of work and i remember when i was being trained by the asked organization to be a speaker um i would sit in the back row and take notes and everything and people would go up and first person would go up would really
22:45
get pounded you know for 15 minutes next for 10 minutes and man i just looked at all that and that was so i was trying to do it the easy way and finally somebody running the program says you know you’re not going to make it through this program i said what are you talking about i blah blah blah and they said because you’re never up in front of the room he said you’re not going to learn much sitting back here and so the next time i went in front of the room and and just got beat up and i’ve never
23:15
ever looked back so i’m an aggressive student if i’m going to be a student i’ve become aggressive because i found in that moment i spent months in this program that only was he told me i was going to fail because i didn’t have the courage just take the hits and so that’s where i learned to uh it was abusive actually the training for me verbally and uh but i knew that it was something that i needed even the harshness of it it was something that my soul sought out it wasn’t like i
23:48
knocked on doors it was almost like it came to me so a lot of my stuff got ground up i was never knew my father i was raised in a poor part of missouri missing meals growing up scrubbing lunchroom floors for my for lunch in high school stuff like that and so i didn’t have models i didn’t have uh there’s a town of 300 people i graduated last in my high school class and was told not to go to college not to waste my time and uh but i did go to college i was a walk-on basketball player and got a scholarship
24:26
for a couple years at a junior college and uh and went from being last in my class in high school to a b average in college with a degree in biology and so that’s part of what started when i started realizing i wasn’t stupid because i was raised being told i was stupid i was a loser i’d never make it and that was my environment and i couldn’t do anything about my environment at that time but i did leave home at 17 and it’s like across kansas and got a job in the oil fields and saved my
25:02
money for a year and a half and came back and got my scholarship and played ball and life kept on moving so i had some great lessons early on i just wasn’t mature enough to take full advantage of them didn’t nobody didn’t know and yet like you say you learned a lot and you came out of it stronger they’ve heard that expression if it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger yeah i think so i think it’s true although i’d rather not take that route as a way to learn if i have to answer that
25:35
one if you got to do it make it fun if you’re going to do it do it with all the passion that you have inside because the only one that loses when you don’t do that is you yeah that’s like you said someone on the highway going past the only one that gets affected by you getting angry is you he’s gone exactly and he did his thing [Laughter] yeah for sure for sure so you find maui uh how do i ask this one is mali very different than other places you’ve lived do you i find maui very different than other places
26:15
i’ve lived of course it’s um i’ve been visiting the island since um uh 1980 and uh i’ve been coming back and forth for what 80 foots at 40 years yeah and uh and i ended up like went to every island and ended up loving the big island the most so that’s where i would visit when i’d come for a week or two and then my son Duane moved the big island about 20 years ago and so so i had a place to stay and so i’d come back and forth quite a bit the first time i ever came to maui back
26:54
way back then i didn’t care much for it it was too touristy for me it was too i was looking for solitude and quietness if you will at that time and so about 10 years ago i think my son moved here to maui so then i started coming to maui because that’s where my son lives so i’d been to maui a few times or several times and loved it loved the energy i loved the people and of course the outdoors and the hiking and the waterfalls and just all the incredible things on one island i think we get what 14 climatic zones on
27:30
on this island and the big island as well and so um when mankind came over here and the first training was 2008 uh and i was one of the on the leader team uh that’s when i started meeting people so i proudly know we’ve had 20 trainings here there’s been uh how many men go through 20 trainings there’s there’s been about a thousand men go through the trainings and we got men on all the islands and uh what keeps men like me true because i can go off any second this is never handled it’s like every
28:11
day i get to choose am i gonna have my ego in charge today am i gonna have my circumstances in charge today or am i in charge today so it’s not a thing that’s just oh it’s handled and you ought to be like me it’s like every day i get up and get to do it over and so uh you and i met on a training and then as you and i we both said in what we call integration groups so on all the islands yeah all over the world men that done mankind every week have an opportunity to gather and work through their issues whether
28:45
it’s marriage whether it’s money whether it’s sex issues whether it’s children issues and today as you know with covet we’re all on zoom so every week all over the world men like us get on a zoom for an hour two hours three hours and do our work and if a man has a problem there’s a man like you or me that can work with him and process him that have a vast background of experience and these kinds of things and so that brings me great joy so when i finally moved here three years ago
29:18
i knew a lot of people here because i’ve been back and forth so many times with mankind and uh and so it was a huge gift and in the early days before mankind was here i wanted mankind to be here because i wanted to retire here and i wanted men here that i could sit and circle with that i could tell open my heart to and so that’s part of how mankind got here many many years ago it started as a vision of when i moved here i wanted to be with men and sit in circles and work with men and be worked with
29:54
so that’s part of how mankind came to be here in hawaii is uh and it’s nice that it’s a mankind it’s not like a a group that has like alcoholics or with an issue they’re coming people myself included all kinds of you know different kinds of people with different issues all come together and uh it’s like i was gonna say we’re all naked to each other we all find uh you know by getting together the things that we have in common and this this uh really terrific and supportive
30:32
process i really like to recommend it to everyone because it really has been very fulfilling and i sit in these ivory groups this integration group thing has really been a wonderful process i always think that women get together and talk i never know what they’re talking about but men don’t seem to do it quite as much so it’s really a great thing and that makes me think about this there’s a program here called boys to men which is i know Duane is what he’s he’s involved you’re involved too what
31:08
can you give us a little hit on that because i think the women may do it but for the men it’s really interesting well boys the men started roughly 25 years ago in san diego by two bikers as i recall they had been in jail or prison for something and they came out and i recall they came out and some versions have looked at each other like what are we doing and they started this program that’s now called boys to men and they wanted to work with with troubled boys so they wouldn’t be in in bad gangs and
31:43
so forth so that was about 25 years ago today that they have a million dollar budget that they raise every year by donations they’re in 43 schools they have 17 fully paid staff members that are helping manage all these schools and it’s all a giveaway we don’t charge the schools we don’t charge the kids nobody’s charged we raise the money and and we do all that here in hawaii my son Duane is the executive director voice to men for the state and he’s been doing that several years
32:19
and we’ve got schools i think on four islands i think during a normal school year i think he has 14 schools and of course with the cove it has broken down now we’re on zoom calls with boys every week uh around the state and uh and uh we we have some great guys uh we have a man named kevin on the big island that is an educator that takes a lot of load we have a man in honolulu named trevor that works over there and they report to duane and the three of them do things and then Duane reports the
32:51
board and uh so and i’ve staffed several of these boys trainings and it’s uh uh it’s just amazing what boys that are shut down and angry and upset with with the circumstances of their life what can happen in a two-day weekend and then a follow-through we only get an hour a week with the boys in schools that’s as much as any school ever allow us and we usually and we go in personally two men will go into a school and a typical group of boys is you know 10 to 12 boys and so we start with games to get the
33:31
boys relaxed a little bit and then we do what we call a check-in what’s going on in your life how’s it working we never give advice to boys we uh never give them answers if they ask me a direct question it’s like we’ll ask your father ask your mother ask your friend so we’re very very careful about not giving advice and showing up as well you ought to be doing this way or you’re wrong we use none of that language our work is to simply listen to the boys and and point them and guide them in
34:01
such a way that they discover their own answers like the boys says what should i do when i grow up well you know you ought to be a computer guy because they’re going to make the most money that would be the wrong answer the answer would be what’s your interest where’s your passion lie what lights you up if you look down the road 10 years what do you see yourself doing what would you be like what would you like to say about yourself 10 years from now well i’m a chef or i’m a mechanic
34:29
or i’m a school teacher it doesn’t matter it’s about showing the boys the mirror that they can do and be anything they want the circumstances does not have to detect dictate or determine the quality of one’s life and i’m a walking example of that from where i started to to things i’ve done places i’ve gone and i was just an ordinary child in a horrible circumstance for years and years and years and somewhere somebody pointed west and and i found mentors along the way and so
35:04
that’s what we do with the boys we simply mentor them and most of these boys it’s a single parent so they’ve got that challenge and a lot of boys are challenged boys are in the lower economic class so that’s a challenge and we’ve even had the huge disappointment of the zoom calls of some boys not having uh technology or the internet or computer to jump on these calls so that’s what we’re dealing with here in the islands a lot well i gotcha um so well you know i’m so you find that the
35:44
challenges for young people or for big people uh are pretty much the same here and there i just wondering if they’re different kind of an experience like when i um came to hawaii um the idea that work work work work work work work wasn’t in my countenance here people here kind of laid back a little more and we’re kind of approaching life differently the accumulation of stuff wasn’t always as important as what’s coming from the heart and being genuine and true i hope that is everywhere but uh here in
36:26
the islands it’s really been uh different for me as i got to a point where i really didn’t think that i wanted to go back to the mainland yeah i have no interest or no desire to i think we’re in one of the safest places in the world with the covet going on one of the most beautiful places on the planet we’re known worldwide for hospitality and what we have to offer people come they don’t come just for the environment they come for relationship and i think hawaiians are particularly good at connecting
37:02
at relationships because we deal with tourists all year long and so you either deal with it in a good way or you get out of the way and so i think we’ve also been supported in a way by tourism of us stepping up and having to reach deeper sometimes before the cohort my friend paul had an ice cream shop and so i helped him out working in the ice cream shop and it was just really amazing to me every day talking to tourists and how some of them were so arrogant how some were so nice and how some of
37:34
them couldn’t believe how beautiful it was so it was with my vast experience of working with you know over a hundred thousand people over 40 years it was just like i was in a laboratory every day and all these people came in and my job was to to uh to read the space and like often i would see like a 10 or 12 year old boy whispered in his mother’s ear what should i get and i could and if i if it was safe i might say something like excuse me excuse me what’s your name he would say johnny that’s johnny come
38:08
here i’m the expert here in this ice cream shop your mom’s not the expert so talk to me johnny and i would see a boy that was all hunkered down because whisperer’s mom mama’s near to suddenly standing up i’d always ask their name johnny how old are you and you play sports just and this kid would just slide up like a christmas tree and i can’t tell you how many times parents would wink at me or thank me as they went or like give me a nod like that their boy or their girl as
38:36
well because i did it with the little girls too that they got something extra they just didn’t get ice cream they got a connection they got a couple minutes of being seen we all want to be seen and especially little boys little girls and mostly they’re told don’t do this stop stop don’t do this and in this environment for that couple of minutes this little boy or a little girl got to speak up for themselves to a stranger in an ice cream shop so that was probably one of the greatest
39:05
jobs i’ve ever had in my whole life was dealing with tourists every day in an ice cream shop it was quite a it was like a laboratory for me that’s really great story thank you for sharing that i mean yeah that’s a great lesson for i hope all your parents out there are hearing it you know if you empower someone to be themselves they light up you know we we all do i know i do we all do gives me an opportunity you know the sweetest sound in anyone’s language jason is their own name so if i say jason
39:44
something goes off in you that wasn’t there before i called you by name if somebody says sonny suddenly something happens to me that wasn’t there before somebody said Sonny so that was part of the ice cream shop of getting the names of the children was to empower them because nothing’s sweeter in any language than our own name that’s something that we relate to as closely as humanly possible and uh so there’s great value uh with just a person’s name well you know what i can tell you this
40:22
this hour that we’re spending a lot of your concepts i i already embrace i’m sure i’m open to to learning more but i know that this has kind of been a mini training for a lot of people out there to see what someone like you say you’re a great example of what can happen if you take an inventory of yourself and work on yourself over time to improve yourself and take your uh power and use it in a good way good for you and and thank you for what you’re doing here i bet that boys to men and mankind
41:04
project and s and all the other orthodontia everyone has benefited by this great attitude that you carry you know a really good attitude when i met Duane you know i obviously he is his own man but i knew that you know you just come through loud and clear you know you i’ve clearly empowered him to be the best that he can be really really a beautiful thing um what do you see yourself doing i want to say ac after colvin such a thing i think our whole world is kind of changing now i don’t know
41:44
any ideas what you want to be doing well um one of the toughest questions i answered several months ago somebody said are you retired and i looked at it because i’ve never considered retirement never considered not working but the cove shut down our ice cream shop and so the truth is i’m unemployed and i guess the truth is i’m retired and i don’t like the word i don’t like saying it uh uh like i’m not a guy that enjoys sitting around i mean i do and i don’t you know what i’m saying but
42:23
there’s a lifestyle and uh so that’s part of the reason that i do so much volunteer work i’ve been done volunteer work for over 30 years now and is to get outside myself to make a difference and so right now working on the june calls with the boys and on some mankind calls and on saturday mornings i’m on a call from with men all over the world for two hours as an example and uh so that’s how i feel my time i’m doing more of that uh since i don’t have a job job to go so
42:58
my future is uncertain in that in fact uh there’s business opportunities coming up as cove starts winding down i hope and uh so i’m not through i’m not sure where i’m going yet uh still working on some things got some great possibilities and code’s been good and bad it’s been good just to slow down and take a look and be with my family and and has done enormous harm worldwide obviously and uh so my prayers and my wants are that we wrap around kovud and we get this so the world is working again
43:35
and my belief is that maybe this will be step number one of bringing the world closer together not just america but the world closer together because suddenly we’re all facing a common demon the covid and suddenly we’re all having to work together at some level internationally so i have my eye on that kind of thing and i love speaking uh i still do speaking once in a while i still do consulting uh by zoom i’ve got people i know all over the world and so that’s not a very satisfying answer for
44:08
myself or you i’m thinking no it’s fine i think we’re all kind of knowing that things are changing and we’re not exactly clear many of us what we’re doing i know i thought look i hear i am almost 70. you say oh you’re still a kid i’m i’m almost 70 but i don’t think of myself as retired i for example last week took seven online real estate classes because i want to keep myself with the possibility of doing what i think the world is going to have lots of things moving around so i’m creating
44:51
my own job my own vision you know that’s how i’m doing it and like this this uh television show this is because i just kept felt feeling like i want to continue to be doing something that’s contributing to my community and make me kind of feel like i can add something add a little something to the to the direction of the world to look at i like to think that really i go back to my last thing i said i want to lead by example i don’t i don’t want to force feed someone i want to see something i
45:28
want them to see it and realize they want to come toward it because it naturally takes them there that was just a call from kula hospital i don’t know if people know that one of the health care workers at cooler hospital came down with uh covert tested positive and so these people incredibly responsible they’ve already tested all the patients that’s probably a call that says that my friend up there i’m i guess the one in charge of some decisions on them is fine and they’re testing people every
46:04
week there and they’ve been really really uh responsible group this covent thing is you know like remaking rather than becoming i don’t want to say we’re in a change of presidency here actually i do want to say that we’re in a change of presidency here from uh the idea that america is people against each other the people that come together if our opinions aren’t the same hey if we all sit and talk about it that’s what this neutral zone is about we can talk about anything and
46:45
find that my goodness there’s so much we agree on we now want to make it all work for each other what a great thing to me is realizing that if we care about each other and we use that because that now comes so naturally from our better communications wow we can solve anything there is no problem we can’t yep the world is uh how can i say this what’s missing in the world for me is connection like i feel very connected to you and when i’m with people i feel very connected when i look around the planet and even
47:35
in our own country it seems there’s such a disconnect and i’m not sure i understand the disconnect i know we talk about in political terms but that’s not the answer and the answer’s not in politics the answer is somewhere in connection relationship and i’m not sure you know somebody said sonny you’re in charge i don’t even know where i’d start except by sending everybody through mankind or boys to men or women within to get a sense of who they are because so many people
48:08
in my professional opinion simply don’t know who they are they they know their personality they know how they act and react and all of that but that’s a shallow vision of one’s own self you know where’s our heart and what are we doing to be connected to others especially those we don’t agree with one of my son’s uh is is a very uh pro-trump person very very pro-trump and uh and we’re not so i’ve got my own family and so i get to see the dynamic in my own family of up and down and all around over
48:52
politics and and i think if my sons and i didn’t have the background that we have in communication and connection and relationship that could probably blow up like so many families i hear blow up over and it’s like wow that we’re we’re blowing off family and friends because we disagree about who’s running the country and uh and there’s truth on both sides and there’s more than two sides to any argument i think there’s three or four or five sides to an argument and so my prayer my want
49:27
is that the covet somehow is a start of a new beginning and the new presidency is start of a new beginning and we’ve got to discover how to heal ourselves and not fight it in the political arena that’s not where that’s not where this kind of resolution is going to come from resolution i’m talking about relationship communication authenticity trust is hard work out of our hearts it’s hard work and that’s what mankind is is hard work that’s what boys demand is is hard work
50:02
that’s what women within it’s heart work most of us don’t need another class on how to paint a fence most of us including me starting with me could use a little more about communication i recently read one of the greatest books i’ve ever read it’s called into the magic shop into the magic shop by dr james dottie and he started out almost homeless a seven-year-old kid he’s got an incredible story and he’s helped start a program called care c-c-a-r-e-s out of stanford and uh so i read the
50:37
book and it said hey if you want to take courses so last week i was on a course with dr doty personally i mean probably thousands of us he was speaking and it was about compassion i think i know a lot about compassion well i’ve got two pages of notes that i didn’t know about compassion after one hour on this zoom call so like you i’m doing a lot of things like that trying to learn more trying to delve in i got time and that used to be my excuse to nap time didn’t have time on august time
51:09
and uh so those are kind of things that i’m still doing to keep myself honest to keep myself so that i’m you know like wake up wake up because it’s so easy to go back to sleep like yesterday i was walking down the street and here comes a guy without a mask and so i step out into the street you know and i said excuse me are you aware that we should have masks on and he shouts out some unkind thing and there’s that nanosecond where i wanted to you know you know do something and then nanoseconds when i
51:43
get to choose am i going to take debate of what he said and am i going to respond or am i going to take a breath and remember who i am i’m a human being that’s in relationship connection and suffering is only for mankind suffering is only when for me suffering is when i don’t like how it actually is when i disagree with how it is like yesterday when that man did that i wanted to say bad words i want to do all kinds of things but nano’s second my consciousness came alive and i just silently i just waved at him
52:17
said thanks and blessed him in my mind and went on and put it down instead of caring about it i didn’t come home and tell the kids i didn’t come home and tell my neighbors you know i saw a guy without a mask well i used to do that kind of stuff i thought that stuff was important and so yesterday just walking down the street i got to be tested and anytime i get hooked like i really get hooked i know that there’s a teacher in the house there’s something for me to learn anytime i go off kilter
52:48
and i get angry it’s because i move into a victim role and i’m blaming you or that guy or life or the covid as soon as i do that i’m lost i’m just i’m just another scumbag out here being unkind to people and beating my chest and all of that so we’re tested every day all day long we’ve got we’ve got opportunities to get hooked or to get unhooked and i used to be hooked maybe for days years hours so now the game is i know i’m going to get hooked it’s life i will get hooked i will get hooked 20
53:22
times today at least the job is how fast can i unhook from that that’s the answer it’s not about not getting hooked you’re going to get hooked this is life it’s how fast can i unhook from the drama that i’m about to engage in like calling that guy a name well you know it’s like like you said like driving down the highway and someone cut you off all that stuff you know your your lessons that you’re sharing here today are beautiful lessons and uh i know i hear you and uh i try to do that as much as i can
54:01
i also get hooked but uh i try to see the more especially the more active we are the more out there we are the more opportunities we have to get hooked you’re sitting in your bedroom all day long reading you’re not going to get hooked on much well like this show that i have it’s called the neutral zone and it was the logo if you ever watch the moving logo a red ball representing a circle where we can all communicate in but then there’s always a zinger coming in trying to blow it all up but the fact is if it all
54:34
comes together and we can communicate and be receptive to the fact that we can be better and we can do things together you know it just just feels right to me it sounds like we’re on the same kind of direction oh for sure you know i think every person on this planet is doing the best they can with what they have to work with like the people in africa are doing the best they can with their resources just like you and i are doing the best we can with our resources i’m not talking about money
55:09
i’m talking about the human beingness of it and uh so i think everybody’s doing the best they can in that very moment somebody yesterday when that guy was rude maybe he just got a call that his mother was ill maybe a friend of his just caught cove and uh who knows what was going on for that man but when that man said whatever he said to me he was doing the best he could with what he had to work with in that moment does that make sense absolutely we should maybe uh go find him and see if he wants
55:42
a weekend in mankind yeah there you go there you go you know i can hardly i just looked at the clock we have been sitting here an hour isn’t it just goes up and i know you have something coming up soon too you’re going to be yeah i got a zoom call with the boys today an hour and a half call and jason i want to acknowledge you i’ve known you for a couple of years in the in our integration group and staffed your training and uh i’ve watched you on your show and you do make a difference a huge difference
56:14
you know if somebody they listen to us and i just hear one line one line can change a life you know it doesn’t take an hour to change the life it takes a nanosecond miracles happen and like this so i want to acknowledge you for the great service you’re doing for our community and you’ve had some incredible guests and you’ve done some things uh that probably people don’t even know about how you’re impacting the island and economics on this island and how you’ve interviewed and what you’ve
56:41
brought forth so i just want to acknowledge you uh thank you for the great contribution you are just walking around i’ve never seen you frown i’ve never heard an unkind word from you i’ve never heard you make anybody wrong you are a student you are a student that’s open and embracing what comes to you so i just want to acknowledge the difference that you’ve made in my life and thousands of other people because your show is well watched wow thank you thank you sonny my privilege any other
57:16
things you’d like to say before we kind of check out the kind of time has run away and if you know how to get angry yeah well in conclusion i i would just say uh that the art of communication is an ongoing process it’s never over um i don’t care you know i’ve been in front of 5 000 people and thought i was really doing something then i see a guy in front of a million people i think oh he’s really doing something so that’s that ego part and so as long as i can keep my ego in
57:48
front of me and see it i can manage it when i forget and it gets behind me and i think i’m you know i get full of myself one more time i’m setting myself up to have an unkind day life shows up with lessons and if i don’t take that lesson today life doesn’t care life’s been offered up to me again and again and again and so you’ve given me a chance to share today and i appreciate that i’ve seen some things i want to look at out of things i heard myself say and so i’ve been well served today too and i
58:22
thank you for uh inviting me on as your guest today well you have been a terrific guest sonny sonny elliott you are uh now part of this library i hope people will go through the old shows and realize that you know in this whole world it’s a what we have and what we give to me this is it what we have and what we give is really our life because i you’ve heard me say how can if i have all the things but those around me don’t have i don’t want to live in that world we have to raise all ships and you are
59:02
someone who has really been a champion to me and to so many others thank you for all that you have done and all that you do and all that you are you’re welcome in the neutral zone thank you everyone out there i hope that you will uh come and join us again and thank you for watching and have a wonderful day you
